The Job of Parents, Part I

The hardest job I have ever had was parenting my children when they were younger. I have heard many other parents say the same thing and I could see it in their tired faces and frustrated voices. Even though I was trained as a marriage and family specialist, I felt very inadequate as a parent. So much that I vowed never to teach a class or give a talk on parenting until my own children were out of the house. I have learned a lot throughout my parenting experiences and I hope to share some of the wisdom gained through this series  on “The Job of Parents”.

As parents we are faced with two basic jobs. First, we are to be leaders. We are the ones who need to make the rules, stick together as a couple (if married), and stay in charge. Second, we are to be models. We are to plan time with our children, encourage them, listen to them, talk with them and pray together with our children. Through this series I will attempt to unwrap each of these areas in more detail, beginning in this article with our job as leaders and making rules.

Making rules is important because rules hold the family together. Rules help us understand the expectations within the family. The boundaries are clear and respected which leads to a safe, predictable environment.

There are two extremes on the continuum of how rules are dealt with in families. Some people were raised in families that had too many rules with rigid enforcement. They were told who to be friends with, where to go, what time to be in, how many hours to study, how to spend their money, what to wear… and that was while they were in college. The rules were enforced with strong punishment that ranged from grounding for several weeks, shaming and physical discipline.

On the other extreme people were raised in families that had too few rules and even those were not enforced much. The child might have been left to take care of themselves or the rules were so unclear and not enforced that the child was left to do anything they wanted. Somewhere between these two extremes is the healthier way to have rules and enforce them. 

Rules are also an important way to put your family values into action. If your family believes that everyone should be treated respectfully, then there are consequences given by the parents when that is not done. If telling the truth is a value in the family, truth is praised and lying is dealt with through consequences. A great question for parents to ask is, “What are our values and how do our rules reflect them?”

Next newsletter, I’ll talk about how to make rules in your family. If you have any questions of comments, please feel free to respond below.