Know What You Want

“Wib, go out and pick up the back yard.” I can still hear those words and frustration that followed as I tried to be the compliant son I was. I remember going to the back yard and being certain that there was something I was supposed to pick up but it was not obvious once I got there. I returned to my dad who impatiently said, “Pick up the limbs that have fallen from the trees.” Oh. I was starting to feel relief and proceeded to pick up some limbs that were close to three to four feet long but not very thick. Surely, once those are all picked up, my dad would appreciate the work I had done.

“I thought I had told you to pick up all the sticks in the back yard,” he said, pushing my “not good enough” button. I still didn’t know what he wanted and I was consistently disappointing him. I mean, in our back yard, there were all sizes of sticks, ranging from 2” to 18”. Was this just another one of his life lessons he was trying to teach about needing the gift of mindreading? I remember walking around the back yard puzzled. What exactly does he want?

In my sessions with people, there ultimately comes a time when I ask a very important question. “What is it that are wanting?” I will get back statements such as, “I just want to feel better about our relationship.” “I want my child to want to clean up their room.” “I don’t want us spend so much money.” It is at this point that I realize that part of the reason they are coming to see me is that they haven’t really been clear, even to themselves, what it is they really want.

The challenge of telling someone what you really want begins with knowing what you want. The above statements are great examples of how people will try to communicate their desires in ineffective ways.  Here are some tips on developing exactly what you want. Just remember SMART:

1.        Specific- What do you mean by “Clean up the room?” Where do the clothes need to go, does the bed need to be made, and what about the full trash can? It doesn’t matter what the age of the person, specifics are always helpful in knowing when a request has been satisfied.

2.       Measurable- “I want to feel better about our relationship” is not very measurable. So the question that needs to be answered is, “What behavior would you like to see that demonstrates that you are being loved?” 

3.       Attainable- Instead of “I don’t want you to spend so much money”, say, “I would like for us to develop a budget and stick to it.” Putting the request in a positive instead of a negative makes it a possible goal to achieve.

4.       Realistic- This is where common sense has to come in to play. Is the request you are about to make something that can really be accomplished within the deadline you are setting? “I want us to save $1000 by the last day of this month,” might not be something that is realistic.

5.       Time Specific- “I would like for us to develop a budget this Saturday morning at 9:00am,” is much better than “I would like for us to develop a budget sometime soon.”

Before you can say what you want, you must first decide what you want. By following the SMART plan, you are improving the odds of getting exactly what you want. Next newsletter- How to say what you want.