Saying What You Want

“I’m fed up with my husband,” the woman said in a very feisty manner. “I told him he to go out and cut the grass because the neighbors were probably going to kick us out of the neighborhood with such a messy yard.” I looked at the fire in her eyes when she said that and I could only imagine what it was like to take orders from this little general.

Once you know clearly what it is that you want (see article, “Know What You Want”) now the task of saying what you want faces you. You will have a better chance of getting what you want if you follow some important rules when you say what you are wanting.

First, be gentle. John Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, notes a common rule that people need to follow when they are complaining to their spouses. He notes that when confronting a partner, being gentle with our words is very important. He says this is especially true for wives who complain to their husbands. A man’s heart rate jumps significantly when they sense a threat such as being verbally attacked by their wife. Gottman found that when the wife said what she wanted, even if she complained, and it was done in a gentle way (covered in honey) then the husband was more likely to hear the issue without putting up walls of protection.

Second, be kind. Sarcasm, name calling, and belittling are sure-fired ways of sabotaging what could be a good conversation. Say what you want in a way that is respectful of the other person. I am constantly amazed at how many people are surprised when their spouses do not respond to their partner’s sarcastic and demeaning words in a positive way.  Most people do not like being talked down to and are going to get defensive or uncooperative is spoken to that way. This rule should be especially heeded when talking to our children.  Their young, impressionable spirits should nurtured, not slashed with mean words from their parents.

The first two rules can really be summed up in 1 Corinthians 13:3-7.  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Husbands are encouraged to love their wives and be “gentle” with them (Colossians 3:19). Wives are challenged to have the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4).  All of these passages, if practiced, creates an atmosphere that will more likely gain cooperation from your partner.

Third, express what you want by saying, “I would like,” or “I would appreciate it if…” or “I need for you to ….” This is different than, “You will do this,” or “You need to do that.” Demanding or bossing is obviously seeking to control another person and can be valuable in a crisis, but not in a relationship. Remember, you are seeking their cooperation and this is more likely to occur when you are asking for help, not demanding it.

Fourth, keep it short. Giving little speeches about what you are about to say and why it is important while also giving several examples of past experiences is often draining for the listener. Simply say what you want in a very clear and concise way. Say, “I would like for you to take the garbage out of the kitchen and into the trash when I tie it up to let you know when I believe it is full.” Do not say, “For the last umpteen years I have asked you take out the garbage and nothing is ever done. You don’t know how frustrating that is and I am tired of it. Don't you know how much I work around here.  You don't ever appreciate...(blah blah blah).

Next newsletter, I will show you what to do after you know what you want and have said what you want and you do not get the response you are wanting. I would love to hear from you if you found this article useful or if you have any questions that I might answer either in an email or in a future article. Thanks.