When the Eyes Look Back

I had just spent a week with my dad who was staying at my brother and sister-in-law’s home.  Dad had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and we knew he only had a short time left on this earth.  He had survived five other cancers in his life, but this one was going to get him. This week was going to be my last opportunity to spend with him.

It was an uneventful week.  My wife and I helped him through his daily routines of meals and medications. He still performed his daily walking regimen, but they were much shorter and I’m not sure he enjoyed them.  After his walk, he and I would sit by a nearby lake and just watch the boats come in and out.  There was very little chatter, which was typical of him.  Just to sit by him quietly was unique and special enough, as I had spent most of my adult life away from my parents making my own way in the world. That is what he trained me to do, although I think he regretted that I had not resided closer.

Neither of my parents were very affectionate.  They weren’t raised that way.  Hugging was awkward even though they had moved from the northeast part of the country to Texas where such behavior was more acceptable.  They lived there for over 40 years, but only mom ever caught the spirit of the hug. Dad taught us to shake hands and look at the person in the eye.  It was a gentleman’s handshake, meant to communicate strength and respect.  However, over the years I have discovered looking into another person’s eyes is a more profound journey.

I teach men how to connect more deeply with their significant others.  One of the first skills I teach is to look at their wives (or fiancée/girlfriends) in their eyes.  I encourage them not just to give them the typical glance and away, but to really engage the eyes.  Let the eyes really connect and communicate.  One participant in my course took up the challenge and returned after a week and reported that his wife commented on how strange it was for him to look at her like that.  After the second week of this practice, she commented again that it was strange, but she loved it.  He was communicating his love for her in such a way that was stronger that words.

Notice how often people really look at each other’s eyes for any significant amount of time.  I’m not talking about an uncomfortable stare.  Rather, a more intentional connection where you allow the eyes to look back.  Most people believe that they look into people’s eyes all the time.  But I believe that it doesn’t happen as often or as meaningfully as I am suggesting.

The eyes are powerful instruments of communication.  I recently saw a woman on the side of the road where I would typically see a homeless person holding a sign and asking for a handout.  This woman had no cardboard sign and her eyes kept from looking at anyone.  As I surveyed her closer, I saw the tears streaming down her face.  There was a lot about her that did not fit the typical homeless person on the street.  Her eyes, even though I could not see them, were telling me there was more to her story than someone who was mentally ill or a drug addict.  While I was sitting at the red light waiting for it to turn green, I was hoping she would just look at me.  I wanted to know more; what only her eyes could speak.

I think people want your eyes to look back at them.  Even little children will grab their parent’s face.  “Look at me daddy.” They scream for our attention and connection that can only come when our eyes meet theirs.

If you decide to practice looking more deeply into people’s eyes, be prepared for what will come. You will experience what they are feeling.  We are designed to do this.  Our eyes become a conduit of what the other person is feeling, and we in turn will very likely feel with them.  We will mirror what they are feeling. This empathetic experience will happen more dramatically than through mere words.

A woman was trying to communicate with her husband how sorry she was regarding her erratic and unpredictable temper.  Her cutting words left him feeling unloved and unsafe with her.  It was only until she raised her downward gaze and looked into his eyes, that he could see her remorse.  She had to keep asking him to look at her.  She wanted his eyes to look back at her so that her message could get through his ears and into his heart.

When it was time for my wife and I to leave, we began to walk down the stairs to our car, leaving dad walking towards the kitchen after our goodbyes.  I was the last to take the stairs and I looked back to my left where he was just about to move out of my sight.  I saw him and he saw me.  Our eyes met. This was more than a goodbye. It was more meaningful than the hug that I gave him a few moments before.  I will never forget this final engagement that deeply communicated what had not been spoken previously.  It only happened when our eyes looked back at each other.